What Is A Limerence Addict?
Limerence is a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love.
It describes a state of intense infatuation, obsession, and longing for another person, often accompanied by intrusive thoughts and idealization.
While limerence in itself is a natural human experience, it can become problematic—especially when someone becomes addicted to the euphoric feelings it brings.
A “limerence addict” is a person who chases the emotional highs of limerence, sometimes at the expense of their marriage, family, or personal well-being.
This article will explore the nature of limerence addiction, why people leave stable and loving marriages for it, how they remain vulnerable to its cycle, how to approach conversations with a spouse about it, and what steps can be taken to address and overcome this struggle.
Understanding Limerence Addiction
At its core, limerence is driven by powerful neurochemical changes in the brain.
Dopamine—the same chemical responsible for feelings of pleasure and reward—is released in high amounts during the initial stages of attraction.
For someone susceptible to limerence addiction, this rush of dopamine creates a craving to repeat the experience.
Over time, this can develop into a compulsive cycle. A limerence addict may move from one infatuation to another, seeking the thrill of newness and the emotional high it provides.
Unlike genuine love, which grows over time and is grounded in mutual understanding and commitment, limerence is fleeting and often built on fantasy.
The addict idealizes the object of their affection, projecting onto them qualities they believe will make them feel whole, secure, or validated.
Why People Leave Good Marriages and Families for Limerence
It’s difficult to comprehend why someone would abandon a stable, loving marriage or family for the often-illusory promises of limerence.
However, there are psychological and emotional factors at play that make this choice, though misguided, feel compelling to the limerence addict.
- The Illusion of “True Love”
Limerence can feel like destiny or “true love.” The addict convinces themselves that the person they are infatuated with understands them in a way no one else can. This belief, though false, creates a powerful emotional pull. - Escapism from Responsibility or Stress
Stable relationships, particularly marriage, often come with stressors such as finances, parenting, or health challenges. Limerence offers a temporary escape—a fantasy world where those pressures don’t exist. - Unresolved Emotional Wounds
Sometimes limerence addiction stems from unresolved emotional pain or unmet needs from childhood. The addict may subconsciously seek the affection, attention, or validation they lacked early in life. - The Thrill of Novelty
Long-term relationships inevitably lose the spark of newness. For someone addicted to limerence, this natural progression feels intolerable. They chase novelty, mistaking it for love.
Why Limerence Addicts Remain Vulnerable
Breaking free from limerence addiction is challenging because the brain becomes wired to seek the emotional rewards it associates with limerence.
Here are some reasons why people remain vulnerable:
- Reinforcement of the Cycle
Each time the addict indulges in thoughts, fantasies, or interactions with the object of their limerence, the cycle is reinforced. The brain learns to associate these actions with pleasure, making them harder to resist. - Avoidance of Deep Introspection
Addressing limerence addiction requires confronting uncomfortable truths about oneself, such as past trauma, unmet emotional needs, or even character flaws. Many people avoid this, opting instead to stay in the cycle. - Lack of Understanding or Support
Limerence is not widely recognized, and many people don’t understand its addictive nature. Without proper support, the addict may feel isolated or powerless to change. - Fantasies as a Coping Mechanism
Limerence addicts often use fantasies as a way to cope with boredom, stress, or dissatisfaction in life. These fantasies become a crutch, making it difficult to let go.
How to Speak to a Spouse About Limerence
If you’re the spouse of a limerence addict, discovering their struggle can be devastating.
The key to addressing it is to approach the conversation with empathy, clarity, and a willingness to understand.
- Choose the Right Time and Place
Avoid confronting your spouse in a heated moment. Instead, choose a calm and private setting where both of you can speak openly without distractions. - Lead with Empathy
Express your feelings without assigning blame. For example, “I’ve noticed you seem distant lately, and it’s been hard for me. Can we talk about what’s going on?” - Educate Yourself
Before initiating the conversation, learn as much as you can about limerence. Understanding the condition will help you approach your spouse with compassion rather than judgment. - Encourage Honesty
Let your spouse know that you’re open to hearing the truth, even if it’s painful. Creating a safe space for honesty is crucial for addressing the issue. - Seek Professional Help Together
Limerence addiction often requires professional intervention. Suggest attending marriage coaching as a couple or individually to work through the underlying issues.
What Can Be Done About Limerence Addiction?
Overcoming limerence addiction is a process that requires self-awareness, commitment, and support.
Here are some strategies for addressing the issue:
- Acknowledge the Problem
The first step is admitting that limerence has become a destructive force in your life. This requires honesty with yourself and a willingness to change. - Cut Contact with the Object of Limerence
Continuing to interact with the person you’re infatuated with only reinforces the addiction. Cutting contact, while painful, is necessary to break the cycle. - Focus on Your Marriage
Redirect the energy spent on limerence toward your spouse and marriage. Rebuilding intimacy and connection takes time, but it’s possible with sustained effort. - Identify Triggers
Pay attention to the situations, thoughts, or feelings that trigger your limerence. Understanding these triggers can help you develop healthier coping mechanisms. - Coaching and Counseling
Working with a coach or counselor who understands limerence can help you uncover the root causes of your addiction and develop strategies for overcoming it. - Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms
Replace the highs of limerence with healthy alternatives, such as exercise, hobbies, or deepening your connections with family and friends. - Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or journaling, can help you stay grounded and resist the urge to indulge in fantasies. - Commit to Growth
Overcoming limerence addiction is about more than just ending an unhealthy pattern—it’s about growing as a person. Commit to understanding yourself better and building a life rooted in authenticity and connection.
A Path to Healing
Limerence addiction can wreak havoc on marriages, families, and personal well-being, but it is not insurmountable.
With self-awareness, support, and professional guidance, it is possible to break free from the cycle and rebuild a life based on genuine love, commitment, and emotional health.
If you or your spouse is struggling with limerence, remember that healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and your loved ones, and don’t hesitate to seek help.
The journey to recovery is challenging, but it’s one worth taking—not just for your relationships but for your own peace of mind and fulfillment.
In the end, true love isn’t about the fleeting highs of infatuation; it’s about the steady, enduring connection that grows when two people choose to stay, work, and grow together.
Recognizing the difference is the first step toward freedom from limerence addiction.
Sincerely,
Coach Lee – book a session here
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