How To Fix A Marriage
People will ask how to fix a marriage or they’ll say something like, “We’ve got to fix this.”
You’ve probably heard it in movies and read it in books.
The goal of this article is not to fixate on the word “fix,” but rather to look at the mindset of using that word and the phrase that is the title of this article.
Be sure to watch the video above all the way through and then read this article all the way through.
When people ask how to fix a marriage that is broken, they often do so thinking that there are some tweaks that can be made to how they approach the marriage or how their spouse treats them that will make everything else fall into place.
In fact, it’s often the quick fix that people are seeking for their marriage.
Here are the problems with this mindset:
1. It puts the focus on “the marriage” as though it were a living organism itself or as though it were a machine that a mechanic could simply tighten some bolts and replace some parts to “fix” it and it would be working smoothly again.
2. It gives a “set it and forget it,” mindset. Once it’s fixed, it’s easy, right? No more worry, it’s just automatic. This takes the focus off of the one-day-at-a-time mentality that is needed when a couple is struggling.
3. It takes the attention off of the person who wants to improve the relationship as though they were outside of the relationship and simply observing it.
What you need to consider and ingest is that a relationship is made up of two people.
And one of the best kept secrets in marriage enrichment is that the answer to “how to fix a marriage,” is, often in large part, to fix or improve yourself.
And again, it’s not a quick tweak. It’s not a set-it-and-forget-it matter.
It’s improving yourself as a spouse one day at a time and understanding that you’re not going to get it all in one day or by improving yourself some in one area.
You also need to accept that your spouse is not likely to react with immediate recognition, gratitude or with immediate change to themselves just because you showed improvement in one day. Improving your marriage and making it stronger is truly a marathon and not a sprint.
Understand that all you can do is all you can do and there will be days when based on the way things feel or appear, there has been no improvement.
By understanding that you are trying to build or grow rather than “fix,” you can comfort yourself and your spouse if necessary with the reminder that you are using a long term, real growth mindset that doesn’t happen overnight.
If your marriage is in a crisis situation and what you would describe as “broken,” you are likely saying, “fix my marriage,” and you have a greater distance to travel to get to where you want to be, so the idea of simply “fixing” it shows itself to be even more ridiculous.
Each spouse in such a marriage, or at least the spouse who feels alone in attempting to improve things, needs to measure improvement by direction and small steps.
Since you do have a greater distance to travel, your marriage still might not feel like you want, even after some improvement.
But if you focus on the present and keep a sharp eye on the ground you have covered, that should provide encouragement for the journey.
For example, going one day without yelling at each other only to yell the following day might sound demoralizing, but if a couple had gone days or weeks with daily yelling, then holding back for a day is improvement and shows that one or both are trying.
One day could become three days and hopefully a week.
When you fall, get back up. Forgive your humanness and forgive your spouse for theirs as well.
You, your spouse, and your marriage aren’t cars or computers that can “be fixed.”
It’s much more complex than that.
So refocus yourself to take things one day, one hour at a time. Be a better spouse this hour and this minute.
Minutes and hours add up to much more.
Nurturing Your Marriage: A Deeper Understanding of Relationship Dynamics
Marriage relationships can be complex, and they require more than just a surface-level approach.
Many individuals tend to view their relationships like machines, believing that fixing a few parts here and there will make everything run smoothly.
However, this approach oversimplifies the dynamics of human connections and often leads to misunderstanding and disappointment.
Marriage is not an entity separate from the individuals involved; rather, it is a partnership between two unique people who share their lives.
In this journey to fix your marriage, we will dive into the importance of understanding and addressing the needs of both partners, rebuilding intimacy, and navigating the challenges that may arise along the way.
Give and Take in Marriage
A fundamental concept to grasp when looking to improve your marriage is the idea of give and take.
A healthy partnership involves both partners contributing to the relationship’s well-being.
It’s not a one-sided affair where one person constantly takes while the other gives.
When such an imbalance occurs, the marriage can be strained and may even have an expiration date.
Imagine a scenario where one partner receives all the compliments, gifts, shown desire, and attention, while the other feels neglected and unappreciated.
Initially, the marriage might continue, but it is crucial to recognize that this situation cannot be sustained indefinitely.
Marriage requires mutual respect and effort from both sides to thrive in the long run.
The Value of Self-Reflection
Fixing your marriage begins with self-awareness and self-improvement.
It’s essential to focus on becoming the best version of yourself, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
When both spouses strive to be attractive to each other in all these aspects, the likelihood of maintaining a strong, intimate connection increases.
To prevent your spouse from reaching a breaking point where they contemplate leaving, you must make them feel liked, loved, and desired.
Simultaneously, you should experience these feelings reciprocally.
These feelings are essential in all three levels of our being: mind, body, and spirit.
Neglecting any of these aspects can create dissatisfaction and strain in your marriage
The Expiration Date On A Marriage
In a marriage, there is an expiration date for mistreatment or neglect.
When one partner consistently feels unloved, unliked, or undesired, they may reach a point of no return.
This is a critical juncture where mere promises and quick fixes won’t suffice.
The damage has accumulated over weeks, months, or even years, and immediate changes cannot erase the pain and discontent.
At this stage, the other person may express a desire to leave, separate, or even pursue a relationship with someone else.
It’s crucial to understand that resisting their decision and trying to force them to stay can backfire.
Instead, it is often more effective to grant them the space and separation they request, respecting their decision and allowing them to experience what they think they want.
Strategic Contact and the Power of Respect
The “strategic contact rule,” can be a valuable tool in rebuilding a marriage.
By giving your spouse space if it has been requested, you demonstrate respect for their autonomy and decision-making process.
You also show that you aren’t going to insist that things only be “your way” even if your spouse has requested something painfully opposite.
This can be incredibly challenging, as the instinct to beg, chase, and plead can be overpowering and result in your spouse wanting to have more space or to get away from you (or further away).
However, by showing strength and self-respect in your ability to give them space, you can often become more attractive in their eyes.
When your partner realizes that you are not only willing to respect their request, it can change the dynamic of your marriage.
Your spouse may start to appreciate your value and reassess their own decisions.
This shift in perception is the foundation for rebuilding trust and intimacy.
The Uncontrollable Element When Attempting To Fix Your Marriage
In some cases, another person may become involved in your partner’s life romantically, complicating the situation further and causing considerable pain to the person who was betrayed.
If your spouse expresses a desire to leave for this new connection, it’s essential to understand that you cannot control the other person’s choices.
Attempting to interfere or manipulate the situation will likely prove futile and counterproductive.
That doesn’t mean that you are powerless.
Far from it!
If infidelity is or has impacted your marriage and you are trying to fix it on your own, I suggest that you get my free mini-course on saving a marriage.
Conclusion
Fixing your marriage requires an understanding of the dynamics between you and your spouse.
It’s crucial to avoid treating your relationship or marriage as a machine that can be fixed with a few tweaks or a big argument.
Instead, focus on the individuals involved, their needs, and their feelings of being liked, loved, and desired.
Challenges can either break a relationship or strengthen it, depending on how they are approached.
Recognizing the expiration date for mistreatment and neglect is essential, and strategic separation can be a powerful tool to rebuild trust and intimacy.
Ultimately, it is crucial to respect your partner’s autonomy and decisions, even when they involve another person.
While you may not be able to control external factors, you can control your response and work on becoming the best version of yourself.
By doing so, you increase the likelihood of fixing your marriage and rebuilding a healthy, lasting relationship based on mutual respect and love.
I suggest that you get my free mini-course on saving a marriage!
–Coach Lee
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Also see: How I Saved My Marriage
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