How to Overcome the Pain of Being Left
No one can predict how their marriage walk may go; of course most couples go into a marriage believing they have found the one and have hopes and dreams for their future together.
Even after the honeymoon phase has come and gone, most are still planning for the next month, year, and even decade with their partner.
However, sometimes things happen.
Sometimes couples split apart or one person in the marriage decides to leave the other, whether that be for a specific reason and the one spouse saw it coming, or maybe it came out of the blue and was unexpected.
Regardless of the circumstances, one spouse is left behind to pick up the pieces and put them back together to try to live life without their other half.
This can be absolutely painful and devastating and can cause a feeling of hopelessness.
If there does not seem to be a concrete reason why their spouse has left them, then there may be an entire layer of confusion, doubt, and self-blame added on to everything else.
Dealing with a loss—a breakup, a divorce, an unforeseen event, and especially the death of a spouse—can be debilitating and can cause the spouse that is left behind to go quickly down the rabbit hole of depression, anxiety, and/or health issues if they are not able to take care of themselves mentally and physically and to grieve and then move on in a healthy way.
Here are some ways in which one may be able to help themselves overcome the pain of being left by a spouse:
1. Intentionally spend time with friends and family (people who won’t leave you). Get out your calendar and start calling those people to set up outings, activities or even just lunch.
It’s important that you surround yourself with those you love so that you may gain the support you need during this difficult time.
However, don’t use them for constant complaining about the situation.
True, you should be able to use them as a sounding board and confide in family and friends, but don’t wear out that welcome.
2. Do not allow yourself to sit around the house. This is important when you have to save your marriage alone. Go outside and take a walk if that’s all you feel you can do in that moment.
Sign up for a class to learn an instrument, martial arts, painting, cooking, yoga, golf, fencing, or something more unusual.
Be out in the sunlight because the sun is renowned for its positive impact on mood and health.
The more you sit around and refuse to engage in life activities, the more depressed and trapped you will feel.
3. If you believe in a higher power—pray. Prayer has a soothing impact on anxiety and can help you get things off your chest and turn it over to someone or something else.
If you do not believe in a higher power, or would be interested in an alternative way to ‘pray’—consider meditating.
There is such powerful research out there on the health and mental health benefits of meditation.
Sit with your thoughts, focus directly on the emotions or body sensations that you are feeling, and feel safe in that moment with those emotions.
4. Focus on yourself for yourself. The PIE of attraction is important! Physical, Intellectual, and Emotional attraction (flesh those out).
Make legitimate plans to improve in all of those areas.
Eliminate soft drinks, limit desserts to one of two days a week (or less), commit to exercising even if it’s just walking your down for thirty minutes in the morning or afternoon (If you don’t have a dog, walk yourself).
If you just commit to another thirty minutes for reading. Or you could listen to a book on tape while reading.
Learn about what interests you.
Get with a good relationship coach to help you sort out what went wrong with your relationship
5. Focus on the moment and be mindful. Anxiety comes when you look too far forward or too far in the past.
Take thinks one day, or better yet, one minute at a time.
Some mindfulness activities you can engage in are: sitting in nature and observing your surroundings, using your five senses in a place that relaxes you, mindfully eat, use self-soothing skills such as using essential oils, a long hot shower or bath, listening to instrumental music, or doing something that does not require much thinking like coloring from an intricate coloring book or putting together a puzzle.
There are several ways in which you can be mindful and help your mind be at peace during a difficult time.
6. Use the no contact or smart contact rule:
The no contact rule is an effective way of getting the spouse who left you to miss you and, very often, to want to get back together with you.
No contact will often bring results with your husband or wife when they lose the ability to expect you to reach out and when they begin experiencing feelings of loss.
It will help you keep your emotions more level and help you to re-attract the one who left.
It is important that you stay strong and believe in the process even though it can be difficult.
The smart contact rule is there to help you have effective and business-like contact with your spouse.
Stay cool, calm, and collected and do not use manipulation or vindictive actions to attempt to get your spouse to come back to you.
This is a useful option if you must have some contact with your spouse, for example if you have children with them, and cannot completely go off the grid.
Whether or not your spouse returns to you, you need to be able to find a way to overcome the pain of the loss.
Like any loss, there is a grieving process and it is completely normal to go through this.
Figure out what works best for you depending on where you are at in the grieving process.
Your health and mental health are the most important thing to focus on during this challenging time.
Get my free minicourse for strategic guidance to save your marriage!
-Coach Lee
ALSO SEE: How To Fix A Marriage
ALSO SEE: What To Do When A Wife Doesn’t Trust Her Husband
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