What Is LOVE?
“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”
-Dr. Suess
Human connection is a very powerful thing.
Almost every human being has an innate desire to be loved and to love another.
Unfortunately, in a marriage, one spouse might not feel the same way as the other for whatever reason.
One may fall out of love or one may be having an affair and feel like s/he is now in love with their lover instead of the person they are married to (A.K.A. Limerence).
Navigating through the tangled mess that is love can be difficult—it can be confusing and bewildering at times and the fact that there are so many ways to love and be loved, make it even more confusing to the average person.
Think of the hit songs from your lifetime.
How many were about wanting to be loved, enjoying amazing love, or longing for lost love?
Why those topics?
Because most adults fit into one of those three categories.
Some wonder where their lover may come from…if at all.
Others hope the one they secretly love will finally come to realize it and respond with passion.
Many bask in the deep emotions of shared love…and think it will be like this forever.
And way too many still love the person who once loved them but now is gone…
Robert Sternberg, a professor of Human Development, developed a theory called the Triangular Theory of Love, which shows how intimacy, passion, and commitment are all connected and how they all interact with each other.
All three are important in a loving relationship; however, some people may lean more toward one component than the others, which depends on personality, past experience, connection to partner, etc.
So what is love exactly?
Is it the ecstatic emotion of new romance (similar to limerence)?
Is it the security of trusting the person you love to always love you in return?
Is it something that really does last a lifetime or is it fleeting…lasting a few years at best?
Some define love as being in a highly committed and intimate relationship with your partner as well as being able to be fully vulnerable with that person.
Despite how one defines love, since it is such a subjective idea, there are three different love categories that your relationship can fall under.
The Three Categories of Love
- The Feeling is Mutual: You are both deeply in love with each other. Yeah!!
- Non-Reciprocity: You may be in love with someone who is not reciprocating the love. You may be thinking, how or when will they fall back in love with me?
- The Affair Made the Flame Die: You used to be in love; but your spouse no longer shows love toward you (verbally, emotionally, or physically); s/he may be in love with someone else and you’re feeling a strong sense of abandonment.
If you and your spouse are in the Feeling is Mutual category, then there is no need to worry and all is fine.
If you and your spouse are in the Non-Reciprocity category, you may need to sit down with them and have open communication about what you have noticed (stick with the facts) and your feelings about how you are being treated.
Lastly if you and your spouse are in The Affair Made the Flame Die category, you must decide if sticking around is worth it to save your marriage.
Do you love your partner enough to tough things out during this tumultuous time and push past the fact that your spouse committed adultery, just to find out if s/he is willing to stay in the marriage and reconcile?
Sometimes it is worth it and other times it is not.
Let’s look at a scenario…
A woman’s spouse is having an on-going affair and may be in limerence, but she is not sure. (Remember, limerence is the “madly-in-love” feeling that happens at the beginning of many relationships but eventually fades within time, which is completely normal.)
There is no passion in the marriage and she suspects that her husband does have a lot of passion with the other woman.
Her husband still lives at home in order to see the children and she has been giving him the space that he might need, but feels as if their situation is completely abnormal and she should do something about it— although she doesn’t necessarily want to get a divorce.
At what point can she be sure that her spouse is truly “in love” with his mistress?
What role does she need to have in this? What should she do?
She should realize that what her husband is feeling for this other woman may not really accurate because something called the Halo Effect is going on.
What Is The Halo Effect (And How It Feels Like Love)
The so-called Halo Effect is where he can see none of the lover’s flaws because he is in limerence.
If she is to assess whether or not her husband is truly in love with his mistress, the results will be skewed because his view of the mistress will be so positive in this limerence stage.
If she assesses the spouse periodically—and he is REALLY in limerence—then those positive ratings should decrease.
The Halo Effect is almost always a part of limerence.
Also, if her husband’s actions are opposite to his belief and value systems, his wife should give it some more time.
If she can hang in there, he may come around as the Halo Effect wears off.
It is her choice whether or not you give up hope.
It IS a painful situation and it is one in which she will have to make a decision in order to move on with her life.
If she is wanting absolute love in her marriage, then she needs to be able to communicate her needs to her husband and see where he is at with commitment, intimacy, and passion and if he will ever have those three things with her again.
If not, she may need to move on and find true love elsewhere.
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